


Will it be all right? If the memories come back

by d3athth3kid



Series: James "Bucky" Barnes presents; works by me [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes journal entries, Childhood Memories, Dames - Freeform, Gen, Man Out of Time, Memories, Mild Language, Notebook entries, Recovered Memories, he learned something at group therepy.. hiding in a vent, memories of blood, occasional breaks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:14:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d3athth3kid/pseuds/d3athth3kid
Summary: I over heard in group, that you should write the memories down. So this spiral is dedicated to my rambling memories.Some entries are missing, void of useless data I crumpled them.
Series: James "Bucky" Barnes presents; works by me [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602928
Kudos: 1





	1. Intro to spiral notebook

**Author's Note:**

> words/sentences written in bold will be words in RUSSIAN. since i dont speak it im gonna use english and identify them as russian.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how it begins

Crimeny, _**< Shit,>**_ Fuck!  
I heard a word suggested in group today [I couldn't bring myself to sit with them, -being a fugitive and all- so I listened from the bowels of the air vent] sounds 'bout right, "Self loathing".

Now, a while back they said writin' would be good, said it would help keep the memories straight, give 'em a place to dwell instead of cluttering the head.  
So here goes, first thing tha' comes to mind when thunkin' of me is 'loathing' defined by me as self hatred.  
It's contrast to Steve who was everything I couldn' be, he was a great man while I was a great soldier -t'was my downfall-, he was the sun while I was the moon [never seen in the same moment, _contrast_?].  
I remeber wantin' ta be just like my Pa, want'en to serve my country, but my upbringing was m' downfall, fucked me every direction, including backwards.  
I feel like a 'Powerpuff girl?'; ** _ <A dash of:>_ **human experimentation, < ** _a sprinkle of: >_** great fall, < ** _a twist of: >_**body modification, < ** _throw in some: >_**mental erosion. Those ingredients equal the Winter Soldier, A.K.A. brainwashed lackey, mass murderer, complete wacko [include near murder of best friend].  
Now where was I going with this?

 _ **< Ah> **_Memmories.


	2. Entry one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entry 1, steve-pre serum, beat to a bloody pulp.

_**<** son of a bitch **>** _

_**<** i remember **>**_ steve covered in purple and green welts, his shorts slung low on his sickly form. His face scrunched in anger 'cause I broke the fight up before he won. [Granted Steve never won, but he didn' care.]  
There are many flashes like this one, bruises in different places, bandages crossing his Irish form. But I figured one entry should cover them.

In everyone I ingulge him, _**<** idiot_ ** _>_** but it's Steve, and he fights back, hackin' an' coughin' an' half dead. Just to prove his Ma right.


	3. Entry seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entry seven; pretty dames

_**<** I remember>_ little details [not names though] of pretty dames, all dolled up, lips painted brilliant rose reds and pale peaches, hair curled in perfect rings. There are freeze frames of Steve and I, where we look 'presentable' at best, dressed in Ma's favourite Sunday best with hair combed nice and slick.  
There are images mixed in of the Stark expo. **_<_** _Lies **> **_with the promise of flying cars. Snips of Steve disappearing with a determined look on his face, only to reappear hours later with eyebrows pulled tight in a frown. I'd tell 'em "I'll fight for th' both of us." never made 'em happy, but he quieted down for a while, 'till the next signup.


	4. Entry sixteen, twenty-three and ninety-one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entry sixteen; whirlpool of death.  
> Entry twenty-three; eyes void of life.  
> Entry ninety-one; death of a friend.

Today there are flashes of crimson, so full an' dark they fill my vision. It's like being sucked int'a whirlpool, down -down- until crimsons coating every inch of my flesh and metal alike until nothin' exists without the horror I wraght. [My eyes burn with unshead tears, but the _**<**_ _programing **>**_ keeps my body from obeying].

~~~~

There are faces, today, sometimes, on occasion they float in and out of the crimson whirlpool and other times, like now, their lifeless eyes bore into my soul. Eithor way their sightless eyes lack humanity, because it has been drained from their body, blood flowing from orifices and wounds shredding their dignity. My mind breaks, trying to fathom their pain, _**<** why!? **> **_ it's an outcry, my brain trying to heal, to force out the Soldier. _**<** the pain, **help! >**_

~~~~

I vividly remember the _~~**< death>**~~_murder of Howard and Maria. The skid of tires on icey asphalt as they swerved and crashed. I can see glimps' of recognition on Howard's face as a name slips from his lips, Maria in the passenger seat, dazed and confused whirls on me, eyes filling with dispare as my face melds with the images she has been shown. In flashes I see the life draining from their eyes as my name slipped from his lips, an infinite echo of 'Bucky' [That is sorrow I feel bone deep].


	5. Entry three hundred fifty six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entry three hundred fifty six; I cant run any longer

My dreams last night were filled with that man, the one in red/white/blue.  
I see a river far below, the man -steve- in free fall, my name -Bucky- slipping from his lips and my body in tatters.  
I watched my body fall, following him like It did in the war.  
I-I don't _**< ~~Can't >~~**_ remember much of how we crawled out of the current, but I remember him bleeding on the river bank as flashes hit my mind.  
I... running, that's what I remember after that. Telling myself I couldn't hurt 'em again if I just ran.  
But he followed, every crumb I forgot, _**<** Careless idiot **>**_ he chased me across the world and I gave in... Tatters.. That's all I was... All I remembered.  
I now see him, big as life and spanglie as ever. The man called captain America believes in me, when I can't _**< ~~Refuse~~ >**_to do the same.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was going to be a single chapter. But I thought with Bucky having mental breaks it might be good to write them as multiple entries .


End file.
